So, obviously, I haven't blogged in a while.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day...once all the kiddos are in bed, I'm usually so tired that I head to bed myself.  It's not uncommon to find me making my way upstairs to crash at 9pm. When my days start at 5:30-6am, I'm pretty much done for by 8:30-9:00.  And...I'll admit...since I'm not our to make a name for myself in the blogging world...I use Facebook alot as my blog substitute.  So...I'll blog again. Not sure when...I guess when the mood strikes me!

humbling

Tonight Lucy was sitting in the bathroom, doin' her business, and I hear her yell, "Mom, I love you!"  I was in the kitchen and as I was making my way over to the bathroom to respond to her,  I got to the door just in time to her her say again, "Mom, I love you a whole bunch, I love you even when you yell." 

Ouch! That was a mommy reality check. I try not to yell, but I do raise my voice when she's misbehaving and last week I was totally guilty of yelling. We'd had a rough day and Lucy was throwing a fit for the ump-teenth time that day and I finally snapped and yelled "Stop it" as loud as I could.  I didn't exactly yell at her, but I still shouldn't have done it.  So tonight when she said that to me, it really made me stop and think.  I don't always use the nicest tone, after being asked "why?" for the 10th time it's hard to respond pleasently. And with the stress of 2 babies who are not napping well and one who is hardly ever happy unless I'm holding her...our days are hard sometimes.

I'm such a work in progress. It's a good thing God's not finished with me yet. I've got a lot that needs improving. I'm so glad that my Heavenly Father is merciful and forgives me when I screw up. 

not as ready as I thought

So, about 4 months ago when we were in the height of our sleep deprivation and chaos of caring for 2 newborns. I told Dan that I was done...no more babies. I couldn't do this again, it was too hard and I am getting too old to be doing this. I began thinking about how good it would feel to have a yard sale and start purging some of this baby stuff that's taken over our life.

Fast forward 4 months:  Last night, I was going through tubs of clothes the girls have outgrown already. I wanted to start sorting things for a yard sale. As I was going through the clothes it made me realize that I really don't know if we're "done".  I don't think I want go through pregnancy again or the newborn stage, but I'm really not sure our family feels complete yet.  Dan and I have talked and we know we want to try fostering at some point and adoption is something we want to strongly consider. So, I don't know. I was so gung-ho on getting rid of stuff, but now I'm having mixed emotions...and maybe that's natural for anyone if they think that they're not going to have any more babies. 

When you're "done", do you just know it?

Well, after a whole week of not showering...I really don't have any answers. I had a slight reaction to nickle...but wether or not that's causing the soreness on my hands...I don't know.  Nickle is in everything. It's in food, household items, pots and pans, utensils...and many other things.  It's frustrating. 

It's gonna be a long week

I have been dealing with dermatitis ( kinda like excema) on my hands since Fall of 2009. All of a sudden one day I noticed a small itchy red patch of skin on my left hand right above my thumb nuckle.  It would come and go and some days it would be really itchy. Then a few weeks after that spot appeared, I got a strange spot on my left index finger. Fast forward to over a year later, my left hand/fingers are sore and cracked and raw in spots. It's really dry and flakey and my hands hurt alot of the time. It's so annoying and frustrating because hand washing actually makes it worse. I have 2 babies and a toddler so I feel like I'm washing my hands all the time.  Any time I clean or know I'm going to have to wash up a few dishes I have to put on gloves.  It's just something that I hate having to deal with.

I managed to go a whole year with it just on my left hand. Then out of the blue this past November, right before I had the girls, I noticed a small itchy patch on my right hand and I knew immediately what it was. 

I've been to the dermatologist many times in last year and per her instructions, I've switched all my soaps and detergents, I can only use Dove soap and Cetaphil lotions.  Nothing seems to make a bit of difference. I am having some type of allergic reaction to something but I can't figure out what it is.  I was prescribed a steriod cream to use and in the beginning it worked pretty well. But...it's losing it's affect. My body is not responding to the cream as well as it used to. So, this week I'm taking the next step in trying to figure out what's causing this. I'm doing skin testing.

This morning I went in and they put 3 sticky strips on my back that contain 29 of the most common household chemicals.  The hope is I will show some type of reaction and then we'll have some answers. The bad part of all this is that I'm not allowed to get the strips wet, which means no showers! That wouldn't be so terrible if I didn't have to wait till FRIDAY!!!  Yep, a whole week without a real shower. I'm going to feel so gross by the end of the week. I'm allowed to sponge bathe and I can wash my hair in the sink, but it's not going to be the same.

I go back in on Wednesday and they'll take the patches off and see if there's a reaction. But, I still have to wait unitl Friday to see if there's a delayed reaction.  I just pray there's an answer because I dread having to deal with this the rest of my life.

The babies have another cold! This is their 3rd cold in their short 5 little months of life. I feel like we're never going to get healthy around here. Poor Annie, she finished up her last dose of antibiotic that we got for her second cold that started affecting her breathing, and a week later, she had another cold starting in. Lucy is sure great at sharing. She seems to be picking up everything these days. I'm convinced it's because she's discovered 2 nifty little holes in her nose that are the perfect place for her fingers!  
Annie still manages to sleep good at night even when she's sick, Molly on the other hand, does not! It's so frustrating because she was starting to sleep so good at night and we had moved her back into the nursery with Annie and they were both really sleeping well at night. Now...we're back to square 1 with Molly. She's back in the pack n play in our closet. She is just making too much noise throughout the night to be with Annie. Dan and I are both up multiple times to stick her paci back in. And here we had just made great progress on her sleeping without it! 

5 months

Annie and Molly are 5 months old!

So, it's been 5 months. And it feels like it's been 5 months if not longer. Things are definitely getting better. The girls are sleeping all night for the most part. Annie is our "better" more predictable sleeper. She will sometimes wake in the night and fuss, but it only lasts a few seconds and then she's quiet. Molly is doing well, but we still have many times where she wakes and cries for 10 minutes or so. She's still learning to soothe herself. Some nights she does great and we don't hear a peep, other night's we hear lots of peeps! :) But, that being said, they are going to bed around 6-6:30 pm and sleeping till at least 6am. So, I can't complain too much. We are all getting more sleep and that makes for a happier family.

It's fun to watch the girls start to become their own little person. Annie is our laid back girl. She's usually happy and smiley but she's more reserved and quiet than Molly. Molly is all smiles and laughs. She does both so easily. She appears to be the more outgoing one and the one that'll be more spunky. Molly is also the one that always tries to grab/hold Annie's hand or arm when they are laying side by side. Molly's always liked and needed to be held more than Annie and I think she's going to be our "touchy-feely" girl.

We've started cereal in the last few weeks. I could have started at 4 months, but adding one more thing into our day seemed like an impossible task, so I waited a little longer. We don't do it every night, but a few times a week when I feel like we have the time to do it.  Annie's doing well and seems to be getting the hang of it. Molly is doing much better with it as well. The first time she tried it she cried and gagged. She was not a fan.

I am soooo frustrated too that Lucy seems to be getting another cold! Annie is just finishing up the antibiotic from the cold Lucy gave her 3 weeks ago!!! (it went to her chest and caused some respiritory issues)  I don't want to go through this again so soon!! If they catch it, it'll be their 3 cold in 5 months! GRRRR!!  Lucy just picks up everything. I know I can't shield them from everything, but geeze, give us some time to be healthy for awhile!

Confession

Confession: I have yet to wash the crib sheets that my girls are sleeping on. Well, Annie's the only one who's consistently in her bed every day, but still...what kind of mother am I?? It's been 4 months!!! And, *gasp*, I never washed them after taking them out of the package!!!! 

Let me tell you why. It'll make me feel better to defend myself here.  I put the sheets on the mattresses knowing that for the first 3-4 weeks the babies were going to sleep in the pack n plays in our room. My thinking was that I didn't want to wash the sheets and then let them sit on the mattresses for a month or more collecting dust and have to be rewashed again later. So, I put the sheets on fully intending to wash them once we'd decided to move the girls to their cribs. Well...that didn't happen...sleep deprivation was too much.

Just so you don't think I'm completely horrible, I do have pads down on top of the sheets where the babies heads lay so if they spit up or something I can change them and I have washed and changed the pads many times. It's just the sheets that I need to do. It really wasn't a huge deal till now because now, Annie is starting to rotate herself in the bed as she sleeps.

Maybe tomorrow I'll get to those sheets...

Here's a recent picture of my girls. They are usually happy girls and will most times smile and laugh very easily. 

Tomorrow I am taking Annie to an appointment to start the process for a "helmet" for her. You can see from this picture that her head is not round or symetrical.  We're hoping that wearing a helmet will help to round her out a bit and help correct some of the features that are lopsided.

I know I've said this several times before and people are probably tired of hearing me say it, but I often wonder if the doctors were right and if I really do have identical twins?  When I look at this picture I don't think they look anything alike. They have different shaped eyes and mouths. I don't know. But it does make me wonder. I also think the older they get the more they don't look like each other. I guess if we really want to know, some day we could do a DNA test and see if they really are identical or if somehow we ended up with fraternal twins.

We were doing so good in the sleep department up until about 2 weeks ago. Then Molly got a cold. She's just about over it, but still has a lot of congestion by morning.  It took Annie 2 weeks, but she finally caught the cold too. She's been my good sleeper over the last few weeks and now with the stuffy nose we're really havin' a heck of a time. Last night was not good. She went to bed well but woke up about 3 hours later snortin' and sniffin'. Poor thing was so congested and couldn't breathe through her nose. I pulled out the other bouncy seat and put her in that hoping she'd she'd sleep better being propped up a little. She didn't like that. She wasn't able to contort her body into the postion that makes her comfortable. (she sleeps in a strange position due to the torticollis in her neck)  So, then we tried the swing. She sleeps there for naps every now and then so I hoped she do well the rest of the night.  She did ok for a while but then would wake up and be upset and by 4:30am she was done. Dan ended up getting up and going to sit in the glider with her so she could be help upright.  So, we'll see how tonight goes. I'm not too optimistic.

getting out

Last Friday I took all 3 girls to the mall by myself. I went to bed the night before thinking, if we have a good night and everyone sleeps well and I feel up to it, then I want to try and take Lucy to the mall to play for a while.  Poor Lucy, she's really gotten a raw deal over the last 4 months. I've felt so guilty because she's been cooped up in the house with me and the girls. There were so many days that I wished I could bundle her up and take her outside to get some fresh air, but couldn't because of the babies. She only got to play in the snow once or twice this winter and I hated that I couldn't just take her out.

It's been a long and hard time, but I'm finally at the point where I am feeling confident to make more attempts at getting out of the house.  It's not something I will do everyday. I think probably once a week will be my limit for awhile. It's exhausting just getting everyone ready.

 Last Friday, I was up at 6 and fed the girls, then while I got ready Lucy took a bath and played. Then the babies napped while I finished up Lucy's bath and blow dried her hair, then Lucy and I ate breakfast and I got the diaper bag ready, then the babies were awake and needed to eat, so I fed them and when done put them in their carseats, made Lucy use the potty and then Molly pooped so I had to take her out of her seat, change her and put her back in, get Lucy's coat and shoes on, load everyone up in the van and finally at 9:50am I was leaving the house. Now if that doesn't exhaust you just reading it, then you need to come live it.  Believe it or not, but there are some people  I know that think getting out of the house with twins and a 3 year old is easy and no big deal and something I should make more of an effort to do. It'd be different if Dan where there to help, but on my own, I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen. It's going to be a gradual progression and each time I do it, it will get easier. But people need to understand that they are not the ones having to do all the work that it takes to get somewhere. So they just need to keep their mouths shut!

So, all that being said, I felt really proud of myself last week because it was the first time in 4 months that I left the house by myself with all 3 girls. (I don't really count our little mini outing to the car wash 2 weeks prior)  It was the first time that I felt confident that I could go somewhere and be ok with 3 small children. It was good for Lucy to run and play in the children's area at the mall. I felt good that she was getting some exercise.

We ended up being at the mall till the girls next feeding so I had to feed them while out. I called Dan at work and he was able to run up to the mall on his lunch break and meet us. We just got some Subway sandwhiches and enjoyed getting to see Daddy in the middle of the day.

I will say though that it was probably too long of an outing for the babies. They didn't nap well in the stroller and by the time we got home, both were crying and tired and I had a hard time with them for a while.  Again, the whole 2 babies crying at once thing is hard to deal with. I am only one person and I can only do so much at one time, but it never feels like enough.

sleep

Annie is doing really well at night. She doesn't get up to eat anymore and she has found her thumb which helps her sleep.  I am thrilled she found her thumb and even though I know it may be hard to break her later on, right now it's the best thing that could happen. Molly is having a bit more trouble. She did really well when we first started sleep training and things were going pretty well until last week when she got her 4 month shots. They made her feel miserable and she was a screaming mess the whole afternoon and evening. I had to hold her the entire night because she would scream if we put her down. And then she caught the cold that Lucy and I had and because of all the mucus and congestion she could not sleep laying flat. So, we have been letting her sleep in the bouncy seat.  Now we have to start  sleep training all over again once she's able to breath clearly. So frustrating. And for whatever reason, she's been so clingy the last few days. She's not napping well and wants to be held alot. I feel bad for Annie because she's so much more laid back and content and so she doesn't demand as much attention as Molly. I feel like I'm neglecting her sometimes because I have to deal with Molly. Poor Annie.

As a mom of twins it's really hard to feel like I'm giving everyone the attention they need. I feel like I'm not able to spend as much time with Lucy because I always have to feed a baby or put a baby down for a nap or go pick up a crying baby. Thankfully, Lucy is really understanding and so far she doesn't get mad when we have to stop playing or reading so I can tend to a baby.  Then with the twins, I feel like I give Molly more attention and what's really hard are the times they both are crying and I have to choose which baby I'm going to try and comfort first. There are many days I feel like I need 4 arms. 

so far, so good

Last night was our 4th night of sleep training and it was the first night that Dan and I got a full night's sleep without any overnight help. I slept about 10 hours. I went to bed at 8:30 and got up at 6:15!!  Now, it wasn't a night without waking up though.  The girls still wake every now and again and fuss for a few seconds or a few minutes before falling back to sleep. I think in time, that will eventually disappear. And Molly still wakes around 4am and needs to eat. We'll work on giving that up in the next few weeks, but for now, I know she's hungry and it's not a big deal to feed her when I've slept the rest of the night. Actually, Dan fed her this morning, so that's how I got 10 hours of sleep. If I didn't have this pesty cold, I'd feel really good today!

Now, naptime is another story. We'll have to start working on that next. But, I remember with Lucy that naps didn't get better or consistent till around 5-6 months.  And I'm still struggling with putting them in the same room for naps. I know I need to so they'll learn to tune each other out, but they sleep so much better when they're not together. I wish we had one more bedroom.

Good bye paci!

The whole pacifier thing has been a nightmare for us this last month. As the girls got older they started depending on them more and more for sleeping at night. That wouldn't be so bad if they could keep it in their mouths or if they were able to put it back in if it fell out. But, unfortunately, they can't do either, so Dan and I have been up and down countless times during the nights to put that darn paci back in. 

It all came to a head Saturday night when Dan and I were up so many times putting pacifiers in the mouths of 2 little girls that we didn't get more than 1.5 hrs of consecutive sleep. It was a rough night. That next day, Sunday, I told Dan that we needed to do something about the paci and he was in total agreement. We were going to start with Annie because she seemed the least addicted to it and we were going to cut her off cold turkey!  I know, that sounds so harsh, but after almost 4 months of sleepless nights, and the most recent ones only getting worse instead of better,  it was time to do something! 

So, that night we put Annie to bed and we didn't give her the paci. There was crying involved and it was a long night, but Annie was learning to put herself back to sleep instead of relying on the paci to do it for her. Monday night was a litte better...still had some crying but better.  And last night, after a brief struggle to get her to go to bed, she did great all night long. Every once in a while I'd here a little cry, but it never lasted more than a few seconds. She went all night till 5:30am.  I think she's definitely learning and on her way to sleeping all night long!!! HOORAY!!

Now Molly on the other hand. Whew! I was going to let her wait a few more weeks as she just didn't seem to be ready to let go of the paci.  I was going to focus on Annie and get her straightened out and then work with Molly. But...we had a change of plans last night.  I put Molly to bed at 7:50 and within 30 minutes I'd already put the paci back in 2 times. Dan came into help and rocked her and got her settled down and at 9:00 put her in the bassinett in our room. I crawled in bed hoping to get some sleep but 8 minutes later, Molly lost the paci and was awake crying.

That was it for me. I was not going to be up all night putting the paci in her mouth every 10-15 minutes. So, we let her cry. It actually took her less time than Annie before she fell asleep. She woke up a few times throughout the night, but really she didn't do more than fuss. So we let her go. At 5:00am, she started crying and knew she was probably hungry so I fed her and she went right back to sleep for another hour.  Overall, she did much better than I ever expected. I think after a few more nights, both girls will be able to sleep all night without the paci!  I will be doing the happy dance when that happens.

Did I really say that I'm starting to believe I can actually do this?   Maybe that was said a little prematurely. The last few days have been awful.  I'm rethinking my last words of my last post.

almost 4 months of being a Mom of Multiples

Wow, has it really been almost 4 months? In many ways the past 3.5 months have been a blur, speeding by so quickly. But, it has also felt like the longest 3.5 months of my life. 

I really don't know where to even begin. Being a mom of twins + a toddler has been so much more difficult than I even thought it would be.  I knew things would be hard. I knew there would be a time of transition and that we'd all need some time to adjust and figure out what our new normal would be, but I will honestly say that this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done up until this point in my life. Things are getting easier, we are slowly getting into a routine. It really helps everyones moral when the babies sleep better at night. 

The lack of sleep has been the hardest thing to adjust to. With one newborn a parent doesn't get much sleep, but with 2...well, you can imagine.  It takes both Dan and I just to get through a night so neither one of us gets an adequate amount of sleep. It's getting better and occasionally we'll have one baby sleep through the night, but then the other one decides that they're going to be up multiple times. It just feels like we can't catch a break. I will say though, that we've been blessed with amazing friends and family who have come in from time to time and taken care of the babies at night so Dan and I could get a full nights sleep. That has been the greatest blessing and we are so thankful to those who've been willing to help.

As if the lack of sleep isn't bad enough, I truly think I had some Post Partum Depression going on. I remember with my first child that the first 2 weeks I cried alot. I cried about anything and everything. Most the time I was crying about nothing at all. But after those 2 weeks and my hormones calmed down, I was fine. This time though, it lasted longer and it's only been within the last few weeks that I've begun to feel like my old self again.  It's hard to function and want to get out and socialize when you feel like you're going to start sobbing uncontrollably at any minute.  I considered it a good day when I didn't break down. I am thankful I haven't had one of those days in awhile.

And the weather, GEESH! That certainly didn't help my mental state at all.  We've literally been cooped up for 3.5 months. We get to church on Sundays and that's been about it. Lately I've felt a bit braver and we've ventured out a little, but this winter has been so cold and snowy that I haven't wanted to drag 2 babies and a toddler out in it. And don't get me started on the germs. There have been so many "bugs" going around we've also stayed home just so we don't pick anything up.  I try and prevent as many illnesses as I can because 2 sick babies on top of everything else is that last thing my sanity can handle. They already got their first colds at 2 weeks because Lucy shared that with them. That was bad enough.

So, it's been pretty rough around here at times, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. I have started to see that faint flickering light and that's such a relief to me.  Annie and Molly are becoming more sociable and that helps. They smile and coo alot and are more fun to interact with. We are starting to see some personality differences in them and that's fun. So, things are slowly getting better and I'm actually starting to believe that I really can do this. 

I haven't forgotten about blogging. I really want to get back into it, but until these girls are sleeping through the night, it's just not going to happen.  We are tired. Very tired around here. I am hoping that this next month brings us much more sleep.  So, stay tuned. I will be back!