see ya later 2009

I've never been one to get overly excited about the New Year. It comes and goes, no big deal. This year is different. I am ready to kick 2009 to the curb and have a fresh start in 2010.

2009 brought us a lot of good memories and fun times, especially with Lucy. She learned to walk, her vocabulary has exploded, she sings, she's developing a fun imagination and she turned 2 years old. There are fun times to remember. But, in the midst of all the great times, Dan and I have had 2 huge disappointments. We lost 2 babies this year.

I found out I was pregnant in May and was so excited. I felt great, no major symptoms. When I went to the OB/GYN for my first prenatal visit they determined that the sac was empty. I suppose the cells were there for a baby but it didn't develop and whatever went wrong did so very early in the pregnancy. I opted for a D&C so we could move on from this heartbreak.

Miscarriages are unfortunately common. We were anxious to try again and after a few months I found out in November that I was once again pregnant. I was nervous. After the previous miscarriage I found myself analying every twinge, ache, etc... I was optimistic this time because I was feeling like crap. I was tired, food didn't sound good, and my energy was gone. I knew that having symptoms was a good thing.

We decided to keep this pregancy quiet and only told a few close friends who we knew were praying for us and this baby. We were wanting to make the big announcement at Christmas because I was scheduled for my first doctor visit just a week before the 25th.

About a week before my scheduled visit and ultrasound my symptoms were starting to lessen. Not a totally uncommon thing, but enough to make me worry. I just had a feeling that things weren't right. Maybe those uneasy feelings were God's way of preparing for what I was going to see and hear in just a few short days.

Dan and I went to my appointment on the 18th and my fears were realized. We had lost this baby. The ultrasound showed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and only measured 6 weeks and I was 9 weeks along. This was not the news we were wanting to tell people and since we hadn't told many people that we were even pregnant, how do you work the word miscarriage into conversation. We have slowly told some family and friends, but it's been hard. After going through this twice now, once having told people (family mostly) and once where we didn't. I think it's better when people know.

I had my D&C this morning. I was ready to get it over with and start the healing process. I was doing ok emotionally until I came out of the fog of anesthesia and I noticed really loud music playing over the intercom. It took a few seconds but I realized it was the lullaby they play throughout the hospital whenever a baby has been born. That moment was heartbreaking.

So where do we go from here? My OB is going to refer me to a Reproductive Endocronologist ( did I spell that right?). They'll do some tests to see if they can determine why this happened twice. Maybe they'll have an answer and maybe they won't. We may never know.

So goodbye 2009. I won't miss ya one bit!